EMPATHY
WHAT IS EMPATHY?
According to Meriam-Webster dictionary, Empathy is “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”
To me, EMPATHY is a SUPER-POWER, for not everyone has the sensitivity to understand and share the feelings of another. It entails having the Emotional Intelligence to emotionally fathom what other people feel, see things from their point of view, and imagine yourself in their position. Essentially, it is CONNECTING (on some level) with what they are feeling.
HOW CAN WE CONNECT?
How do we express our SUPPORT of what others are going through? How can we demonstrate that we truly care and have a genuine interest in another’s point of view and their feeling perspective? How can we COMFORT someone who is angry or frustrated, with words? After mulling the matter, reviewing my own personal preferences & experiences, along with some basic Internet look-ups- I put together the below Cliff-Note version of TO-DO’s & NOT TO-DO’s:
TO DO’s (What to say):
1. We don’t want to make things worse- so, compose yourself first. Think before you speak, and chose your words carefully.
2. Just listen & try not to judge- Be a safe place for them to land. Listening sends a message that you care about what they are wrestling with.
3. Acknowledge their Emotional Dilemma:
-”That’s not a good place to be.”
-“I'm sorry you're upset.” Note: An I'm sorry can go a
long way to make your friend feel heard and
validated & often calms folks down.
-“I can see how that can throw you off.”
-“Wow- I can see how that’s frustrating.”
-“That sucks!”
-“Man, that’s messed up.”
-“Not cool…”
-“That would upset me, too.”
-“That hurts.”
-“I get it. I feel you.”
4.Offer Moral Support (even if you can’t relate, you can always say this):
-“I want you to know-I am here for you.”
-“You're not alone. I'm with you.”
-“I want to support you on this, what can I do to help this
situation?”
-“Is there anything I can do?”
-“Whatever I can do, please let me know.”
-“I hear you- man, what can WE do now?”
-“I see where you’re at, what can WE do- going forward?”
-“WE are in this together, I want you to know that.”
-“When you bleed, I bleed.” (My father’s favorite saying)
-“If you’re uncomfortable with this, I’m uncomfortable.”
NOT TO DO’s (what not to say or do):
1.Don’t interrupt them while they are speaking (venting, complaining). Just listening is a form of validation.
2.Don't take it personally. Don’t Focus on Your Own Feelings & be defensive- Don’t make it about you. Don’t put them down for expressing their feelings to you because now they are making you feel a certain way.
3.Don’t immediately respond & eject your first knee-jerk reaction.
4.Don’t be combative- This just throws gasoline on the fire and makes them feel you are not on their side and are now opposing them. Now they feel like they are fighting you too.
5.Don’t play Devil’s Advocate and point-Counter point them, even if you disagree. Now is not the time to defend someone who has frustrated or angered your friend, (who is currently not in the frame of mind to think objectively).
6.Don’t Condemn or Criticize Their Reaction- Anything suggesting their feelings are inappropriate, will never change their feelings, nor does it lessen those feelings.
7.Don’t tell them how they should behave. Example: “You need to just relax and calm down. You’re working yourself all up for nothing.” This expresses our lack of empathy. This is not an effective comforting technique. If you've ever been on the receiving end of someone telling you to relax or calm down, it simply does not work. It's never worked & it never will work. This is the opposite of being comforted. If they could calm down, they would.
8.Don’t negate and invalidate their feelings. Example: "Oh, that’s no big deal. You’re over-reacting. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill." This also, expresses our lack of empathy It’s their feelings (right or wrong, real or IMAGINARY). Their feelings should not be dismissed- that only increases their disturbance. When people are feeling a certain way, they don't want to be told to feel another way. If they could simply turn off some feelings- they would. No one wants to suffer with uncomfortable disturbing feelings. So, telling them how to feel isn't helpful.
COMMENTARY:
As a HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) I can really appreciate all those Self-Relating comments above. Speaking for myself, sometimes when I VENT (which I probably do way too often ☹), all I really need to hear from a friend is, ‘That’s messed up.” (Note: ‘That’s messed up’ is a neutral comment, but it conveys that you identify the disturbance that I am currently battling.) Even if you CAN’T RELATE to my internal turmoil or agree with my point of view, just hearing someone else RECOGNIZE MY ANGST and reinforce our COMRADESHIP- allows me to IMMEDIATELY move on and seek a way to cope.
P.S. But sometimes words are not enough. Sometimes, anything said- falls way too short for the occasion. Sometimes pain can close the ears of the Tormented. In those instances- a sympathetic smile and a compassionate gesture (like placing a comforting hand on the Agonizers shoulder) is the best way to offer COMMISERATION. There is good reason why I choose that Pic for my Blog: Each face reflects a different expression of empathy. Each of the 5 Introspecting Comforters are attempting to place themselves in the Agonizers shoes. In their own way, each Comforter is expressing SOLIDARITY towards their friend. TRULY, Empathy- can speed up the coping process. It may not heal- but it can definitely SOOTHE. Sometimes, just knowing that another HUMAN SOUL dignifies and validates our suffering (real or imaginary)- can make a world of difference.
B.P.S. Empathy- is such a THING OF BEAUTY: It is the Gratuitous Bestowal of Compassion to the Afflicted! Who, among us, CAN GIVE IT? Yet, WE ALL NEED IT…Don’t we? …From the Lookout Post.